The Day I Punched My Windshield: A Story of Anger, Pain, and Inner Healing

In my previous article, "what to do when you're at the end of yourself", I described the most recent season God walked me through. That season was marked by the inner-healing process God initiated by exposing any perspective that is not of Him so that my

heart would be aligned with His. Its a process I believe most are inclined to neglect for many reasons. Although it took me a while to understand and accept it, I've come to recognize how fundamentally critical it is as a believer to prioritize the needs of your heart and allow God to fill them. This process takes precedence over your calling, ministry, assignment, gifting, or anything else. By sharing the journey of my own inner-healing process, I hope you are left encouraged to prioritize the needs of your own heart and begin the inner-healing journey for yourself.

I remember being very conflicted and strongly against the idea of inner-healing when my wife first started the conversation. "why would I need to seek out healing when Jesus already  healed us?" "I just need to believe the truth and hold every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." These were just a few of the arguments I would hold on to while rejecting any idea of the matter. My wife remained gracious as she continued her own process and left me to mine.

A few weeks passed and I found myself in the driveway of our home after work and I had just punched and cracked the windshield of our car. Sitting in shock as to what just happened, I had to come to terms with myself and recognized that the overwhelming feelings I have had for most of my life went beyond "holding every thought captive". They were deep and heavy belief systems that I had developed since a child and they needed to be confronted. I broke the news to my wife immediately and thus began the inner-healing journey for myself. 

I went to a life coach who was a good friend of mine and much was revealed through our first few sessions of inner-healing. Each intentional hour was spent dissecting one belief system after another and tracing them back to where they started. Since 5 years old I had experiences built on top of each other that my natural mind had to comprehend and make sense of. We all experience this. In my case, I developed false beliefs systems in my heart based on these experiences that said I was a failure, incapable, could never meet up to par, and I was worth little to nothing. I knew that I was a new creation in Christ and I could quote those bible verses all day long, but I couldn't deny that my heart needed to know something deeper and more specific on a personal level.

 Whether it was through relational hurt or years of bad grades at school, my belief in these lies became an identity I lived in for most of my life. Having discovered these beliefs that remained hidden in my heart, the behavioral patterns of my life began to make sense. Growing up clinically depressed, fits of rage, suicidal thoughts, they all centered around a system of beliefs constructed by my own understanding of the experiences I had and thus controlled my behavior. But discovering these  false belief systems and why they were there was just the beginning.

After becoming honest and vulnerable enough to confess these false systems of belief, I was now in the position for God to encounter me with truth, deliverance (we will share more on this in later articles), healing and wholeness through the power of His Holy Spirit. Each core memory that was used to develop these lies about myself, I went through a series of closing my eyes, connecting emotionally, and asking Holy Spirit to reveal Himself in these memories. Each time He shared His truth with me. He never failed to answer in different ways. Whether He brought up scriptures that directly reflected those memories or embraced me with His Fatherly love, He continued to encounter me as I came out of agreement with the lies and into Him who is Truth.

There is a bit more to this process. But over the years, as I've made honesty and connection a common practice in my daily life, I have watched the patterns of my behavior change dramatically. The fits of rage have become a rarity. Suicidal thoughts have nearly ceased (even when they do come, they're not nearly as gripping as they used to be). I have seen hope arise like never before because I've allowed God to meet the deepest parts of my heart that needed to encounter Him most. 

Lots of the western culture of Christianity has grown accustom to slapping bible verses on feelings and calling it a day. We've shunned our feelings as if they're worthless and insignificant. What we've failed to recognize is that our feelings are part of our likeness to God and it is our obligation to bring them to Him in vulnerability. He desires intimacy, and because we are made in His likeness, so do we; but it is lies and shame that keep us hiding. I am writing this to you as one who has tested this word and has truly seen transformation happen. Therefore, I urge you, If you have not prioritized this process with the Lord, if you have shamed your own feelings and kept them hidden, stop. For the sake of communion with the Lord, come as you are and come out of hiding. Open up to Him with no reservations that He might come and bring your soul to rest.